Earlier this week I hit burnout point. I didn't say anything to anyone because, well, I never do. On Tuesday I slept. All day. I woke up at 15:31 and have to be at the bus stop for the boys by 15:40. Close call! A very lovely mum at school did notice and has made me promise I will learn to say no a bit more often, which I have done. I could have been at school all day yesterday but instead I came home for the morning. It's a start.
I spent the last 2 weeks in school or doing things for school most of the time. The only exception was the one day I went to my training course. I enjoy volunteering, I like to feel I'm doing something, but I often don't realise I'm doing too much until it's too late.
I've not been eating properly, due to lack of money and opportunity (I can't cook when I'm tired - I burn myself or the house!).
I've been forgetting to take my narcolepsy meds, I have to take them after food and if I don't get breakfast I can't take them til lunch. At lunch I forget. At dinner I'm asleep.
The boys have been playing up at bedtimes, and I've been getting wound up. They've been playing up in the mornings and I've been getting stressed.
In short, it's been a hard few weeks.
But yesterday we turned a corner of sorts.
My ever lovely dad did some shopping for me. This meant not only could I have dinner last night but I have breakfast and lunch for today, dinner for tonight.
Matthew did all his homework without too much nagging.
The boys played up at bedtime but I decided to ignore them after the first 10 times I shouted.
This morning I woke the boys up instead of letting them sleep. It was 07:30 still, but that was early enough to achieve the thing that makes the biggest difference to my day....
THE BOYS WERE READY IN TIME TO WALK DOWN AND CATCH THE BUS TO SCHOOL!!!!!!
Walking to the bus means 2 things, we all get a relaxed, stress-free send off to school with a bit of exercise thrown in, and I get home again by 08:30 with the rest of the day ahead!
So far this morning I have fed the chickens, hung the football kit on the airer, put more washing in, got lunch ready for my course today, got swimming kit and football kit ready and by the door, looked up where I have to deliver a form to tonight, and even eaten breakfast while blogging!
In less than an hour I have achieved more than I have achieved most days in the last few weeks.
Sometimes little things really can make the biggest difference.....
Thursday 17 November 2011
Tuesday 15 November 2011
The disadvantage of coming second and being a child of the digital age.
Joe's class are learning about different religious celebrations.
A few weeks ago they talked about Diwali and made Rangoli Patterns with chalks and pastels which Joe loved.
This week they are talking about Baptism. Reverend Ruth came in to talk to them yesterday and today they were taking a walk to the Church to see for themselves all the things she had described. In the meantime a letter came home asking if we had any photos of the children's Baptisms please would we send them in. Joe also asked if he had been given anything at his and I said yes, he had been given the candle like everybody else.
So last night after they went to bed I started to search. I found his candle and a few other things I thought he would find interesting, his outfit and some of his gifts.
I found the very large box of photos I have (somehow I never quite got around to putting them all into albums even though I know I should) and started to look for photos of his Baptism. Several hours later I realised that there are a surprisingly low number of photos of Joe. In fact, other than a joint school photo where Joe is crying when he was 2, I don't think there were any.
This got me thinking about why.
I know everybody says you make far more fuss of your first baby but I don't think even that can explain the void of photographs.
I have always been entirely open about my feelings surrounding Joe's birth. Although I have always loved him dearly I did struggle at first to bond with him, we were in a bad situation and it was a while before I could feel happy about it. Maybe that was why I didn't have my camera permanently attached to my hand as with Matthew?
Joe wasn't the prettiest of babies either. In fact I remember being told off for saying he looked like all babies do, small and wrinkly and not very attractive! Matthew was born needing 3-6 month clothing so missed the small, wrinkly stage and skipped straight to very cute stage. Or so I thought! Joe had to have tiny baby clothes (how a baby weighing 8lb 7.5oz can need tiny baby clothes is beyond me, but he did) and was very scrunched up. Did his perceived lack of cuteness mean I avoided taking pictures?
I already had one child, and within 3 months I had a full-time job. So life carried on. There was no time to gaze in awe at my little bundle, no time to stand and stare, taking note of every movement, every facial expression. I remember taking Matthew to those photo sittings you get vouchers for at least every 2 months, I have lots of photos to prove it, but not Joe. Did normal life take away the opportunity to document his childhood?
The photos of Matthew all stop, right around the time Joe was born. I have a few of him holding his new baby brother, some of me with Matthew while I was pregnant, but none from more than 6 weeks after Joe's birth. Why would that happen?
And then it hits me. These hundreds of photos I have in front of me of Matthew, they are all accompanied by negatives. They were all printed by photo processing companies, given back to me in neat little wallets to be put away. I can't remember exactly when I got my first digital camera, and my first phone that could take photos, but I would place a bet on it being sometime around Joe's birth.
I look on the computer, and on the memory sticks that I have transferred images to over the years. There are hundreds of photos of Joe. His entire birth is documented in photos. His first year, pictures of him as I fed him, wrapped up warm in his car seat, being held by various friends and family, it's all there. As he grows up there are more, and he overtakes Matthew with how many there are of him. I think Matthew became a little camera shy, he never stayed still for long and, well frankly he just wasn't as cute when he grew up!
You could spend hours looking through all the photographs on the computer, many hundreds more than I have in print form. Being second child may have meant he missed out on being dragged out for professional photographers (I think I remember trying it a few times and he just slept, or screamed, so I stopped bothering) but I don't suppose he would see that as a bad thing! It was not, as I first feared, being second child that lead to a lack of prints in albums. It was the digital age and the ability to take as many photos as you like without it costing anything to view them. I am relieved, but also a little sad that he doesn't have albums to flick through with his history there to see.
One day I will have to sit down and arrange for prints of the best ones and make up an album. Probably the same 'one day' I finally get around to putting all the prints out of that big box into albums too.........
A few weeks ago they talked about Diwali and made Rangoli Patterns with chalks and pastels which Joe loved.
This week they are talking about Baptism. Reverend Ruth came in to talk to them yesterday and today they were taking a walk to the Church to see for themselves all the things she had described. In the meantime a letter came home asking if we had any photos of the children's Baptisms please would we send them in. Joe also asked if he had been given anything at his and I said yes, he had been given the candle like everybody else.
So last night after they went to bed I started to search. I found his candle and a few other things I thought he would find interesting, his outfit and some of his gifts.
I found the very large box of photos I have (somehow I never quite got around to putting them all into albums even though I know I should) and started to look for photos of his Baptism. Several hours later I realised that there are a surprisingly low number of photos of Joe. In fact, other than a joint school photo where Joe is crying when he was 2, I don't think there were any.
This got me thinking about why.
I know everybody says you make far more fuss of your first baby but I don't think even that can explain the void of photographs.
I have always been entirely open about my feelings surrounding Joe's birth. Although I have always loved him dearly I did struggle at first to bond with him, we were in a bad situation and it was a while before I could feel happy about it. Maybe that was why I didn't have my camera permanently attached to my hand as with Matthew?
Joe wasn't the prettiest of babies either. In fact I remember being told off for saying he looked like all babies do, small and wrinkly and not very attractive! Matthew was born needing 3-6 month clothing so missed the small, wrinkly stage and skipped straight to very cute stage. Or so I thought! Joe had to have tiny baby clothes (how a baby weighing 8lb 7.5oz can need tiny baby clothes is beyond me, but he did) and was very scrunched up. Did his perceived lack of cuteness mean I avoided taking pictures?
I already had one child, and within 3 months I had a full-time job. So life carried on. There was no time to gaze in awe at my little bundle, no time to stand and stare, taking note of every movement, every facial expression. I remember taking Matthew to those photo sittings you get vouchers for at least every 2 months, I have lots of photos to prove it, but not Joe. Did normal life take away the opportunity to document his childhood?
The photos of Matthew all stop, right around the time Joe was born. I have a few of him holding his new baby brother, some of me with Matthew while I was pregnant, but none from more than 6 weeks after Joe's birth. Why would that happen?
And then it hits me. These hundreds of photos I have in front of me of Matthew, they are all accompanied by negatives. They were all printed by photo processing companies, given back to me in neat little wallets to be put away. I can't remember exactly when I got my first digital camera, and my first phone that could take photos, but I would place a bet on it being sometime around Joe's birth.
I look on the computer, and on the memory sticks that I have transferred images to over the years. There are hundreds of photos of Joe. His entire birth is documented in photos. His first year, pictures of him as I fed him, wrapped up warm in his car seat, being held by various friends and family, it's all there. As he grows up there are more, and he overtakes Matthew with how many there are of him. I think Matthew became a little camera shy, he never stayed still for long and, well frankly he just wasn't as cute when he grew up!
You could spend hours looking through all the photographs on the computer, many hundreds more than I have in print form. Being second child may have meant he missed out on being dragged out for professional photographers (I think I remember trying it a few times and he just slept, or screamed, so I stopped bothering) but I don't suppose he would see that as a bad thing! It was not, as I first feared, being second child that lead to a lack of prints in albums. It was the digital age and the ability to take as many photos as you like without it costing anything to view them. I am relieved, but also a little sad that he doesn't have albums to flick through with his history there to see.
One day I will have to sit down and arrange for prints of the best ones and make up an album. Probably the same 'one day' I finally get around to putting all the prints out of that big box into albums too.........
Sunday 25 September 2011
Matthew's Birthday
Uncle Skott and Beth met us in town and we shopped with Matthew's birthday money before heading to see Grandad at the pub!
Back to Grandad's house for a bit and then home, exhausted and filthy with the marks of a day very much enjoyed, bath and bed were called for.
As I sit here enjoying the quiet I look back on the last 8 years and realise it truly is a blessing to have him, no matter how much I might forget that occasionally!
Saturday 24 September 2011
What the Butler Saw
On Friday night I had a rare opportunity for a night out. My wonderful friend Cathy invited me down to stay with her in Ilford and go to see the Woodhouse Players production of What the Butler Saw, directed by Cathy. I decided I had better go Friday as Matthew's birthday is Sunday and in the past I have come home rather late from staying at Cathy's due to the amount of alcohol consumed after the show! The necessary complicated childcare arrangements were made and I arrived in Ilford at around 6:15pm.
The production itself was brilliant. Utterly hilarious and even the slip-ups just made it funnier. I was lost in places where my brain struggled to keep up with fast dialogue but that's just because I get the treat of going to the theatre so rarely that I'm not used to not being able to pause and rewind ;-)
I am extremely pleased that I made the effort to go, I've always enjoyed going in the past but haven't been able to with Joe being ill and I now realise how much I've missed it. Will definitely be making the effort to go in future.
When I arrived I remembered (rather too late!) that Fridays are curry night. After the show the cast and crew all head to the nearby Star of India for dinner. I do not eat curry. Cathy finds this rather amusing and somewhat bewildering. I think it gets put down to my being from the country and away from proper civilisation! So I had plain boiled rice, which suits me fine, and they tried hard not to tease me too much. This was followed by 2 complimentary shots of Tia Maria and cream, something I have not tried before but downed quickly anyway!
Alcohol consumed we decided a trip to the pub was called for to increase the intake. Once vodka had been added to the mix I was well and truly sozzled. By now it was somewhere after 1am and most wandered off to get some sleep before the double performances next day. But not everyone. I was relishing the enjoyment of drinking and laughing for the first time in ages, Cathy was willing to indulge me, James and someone who I think was called Jamie but I honestly cannot be sure! In the absence of anywhere to continue drinking that didn't have very loud music it was decided that a trip to the off-licence before returning to Cathy's was by far the best idea. So we did!
Back home we drank some more and talked lots more. The boy I think was called Jamie annoyed me immensely with wandering hands but finally fell asleep first. Cathy gave in and decided sleep was required somewhere around 5am and nearer 6 James and I finally stopped chatting and slept!
After 2 hours sleep we chatted some more, drank juice or tea and after 10am I had to head home for an afternoon of watching Westbury lose. Meanwhile, poor Cathy and James had to return to the Welsh Church Hall for 1pm and attempt to Direct/Perform in both the matinee and evening shows! I hit my brick wall at 4pm and suddenly felt very guilty for allowing them to entertain quite so late the night before!
All in all I had a thoroughly enjoyable weekend. I got to spend time with old friends, meet new people, experience a show I've never seen before and consume more alcohol than I've had in several years! I've been invited back next week for the end of show party and I'm really hoping to go but this time I might just stay sober!
for some reason I cannot work out how to reply to comments yet.... but this was my response to lovecat....
ah yes, I could remember the J part but had other things on my mind next day and the rest was a blur! am also only just coming out of the haze, slept very well last night! have permission for saturday, thought maybe dave might like a hand getting the house ready?
for some reason I cannot work out how to reply to comments yet.... but this was my response to lovecat....
ah yes, I could remember the J part but had other things on my mind next day and the rest was a blur! am also only just coming out of the haze, slept very well last night! have permission for saturday, thought maybe dave might like a hand getting the house ready?
Monday 5 September 2011
Joe is fixed at last!
Just over 3 weeks ago we came home from a longer than planned stay at West Suffolk Hospital.
Joe's operation to remove his tonsils and adenoids was arranged for Thursday 11th August and I expected us to come home same day. FOOL!
The operation itself went well, Joe was very cross when he came round and again required several nurses and me to hold him down, and even then we failed miserably! He refused medicine because it wasn't from home - appeared to think they may be poisoning him with calpol! With many more bruises we got him back to the ward where after a while he picked up and played on the ps2 happily all evening. They said we had to stay in just incase so Uncle Neil very kindly stayed with Joe to play FIFA (not one of my many talents!) while I went home to get supplies. All was well.
Next morning Joe was still asleep when the docs did ward rounds but they said overnight stats had been good and he could go home so long as he ate breakfast ok.
Joe finally woke up and was not happy. He wouldn't eat and was really drowsy. I left him with the lovely Leigh in the playroom when he requested smarties (by now I'm not caring what he eats, just want him to eat!) and when I returned less than 5 minutes later he was in bed. Leigh said he was just so lethargic he didn't want to play. Joe then refused smarties (never heard of!) and his temperature started to rise. Without eating he couldn't have ibruprofen so when his temp got scarily high he was given morphine which allowed him to sleep and then he felt well enough to eat. Weekend cover at WSH does not stretch to ENT department so after a worrying few hours where Addenbrookes was threatened (I cried when the doc told me, was like April 2010 happening all over again) they agreed that as the operation side of things seemed to be healing as expected and xrays were clear of chest infections, this may be just a virus and the paediatricians would take over Joe's care for the weekend. PHEW!
Friday night came and food was eaten, more ibruprofen given, the night passed well and come Saturday morning we were clear to go home - so long as he ate breakfast! Given the experience of the day before I told Joe he HAD to eat breakfast, I didn't care what but he had to eat as we couldn't go home if he didn't.
Joe informed me he had no intention of going home, he would like to stay at the hospital and play ps2 actually. After being told that mummy was going home whether it was with him or not he decided perhaps eating breakfast would be a good idea after all!!!
We were discharged Saturday afternoon and the change in Joe has been amazing. He has had his follow-up and been discharged.
For the last 16 months we have had very little fun, Joe had been tired all the time, he couldn't breathe properly if he exercised, he couldn't cope with pre-school and it's been pretty miserable.
Now, Joe has cycled over a mile on his little bike with stabilisers to Granny's house, we have been out lots picking blackberries and geocaching, he no longer sounds like darth vadar and we can have FUN again!
Of course, he still has his stroppy 4 year old moments but I can live with those, because they are just moments and they show how much we have all missed out on over the last year when those moments lasted all day, every day.
Matthew is thrilled to have his brother back properly, without the boring constraints he had before, although he says he often has to check on Joe at night because (like the rest of us) he is so used to Joe breathing very noisily that he worries Joe has stopped breathing now that he can't hear him!!!
The doctors said that Joe's tonsils met in the middle and his adenoids blocked his nasal airway entirely. It's no wonder he struggled so much and brilliant to see the difference it has made to him.
Here's to Joe's first day at school on Wednesday and to a happy and healthy end to the year!
Joe's operation to remove his tonsils and adenoids was arranged for Thursday 11th August and I expected us to come home same day. FOOL!
The operation itself went well, Joe was very cross when he came round and again required several nurses and me to hold him down, and even then we failed miserably! He refused medicine because it wasn't from home - appeared to think they may be poisoning him with calpol! With many more bruises we got him back to the ward where after a while he picked up and played on the ps2 happily all evening. They said we had to stay in just incase so Uncle Neil very kindly stayed with Joe to play FIFA (not one of my many talents!) while I went home to get supplies. All was well.
Next morning Joe was still asleep when the docs did ward rounds but they said overnight stats had been good and he could go home so long as he ate breakfast ok.
Joe finally woke up and was not happy. He wouldn't eat and was really drowsy. I left him with the lovely Leigh in the playroom when he requested smarties (by now I'm not caring what he eats, just want him to eat!) and when I returned less than 5 minutes later he was in bed. Leigh said he was just so lethargic he didn't want to play. Joe then refused smarties (never heard of!) and his temperature started to rise. Without eating he couldn't have ibruprofen so when his temp got scarily high he was given morphine which allowed him to sleep and then he felt well enough to eat. Weekend cover at WSH does not stretch to ENT department so after a worrying few hours where Addenbrookes was threatened (I cried when the doc told me, was like April 2010 happening all over again) they agreed that as the operation side of things seemed to be healing as expected and xrays were clear of chest infections, this may be just a virus and the paediatricians would take over Joe's care for the weekend. PHEW!
Friday night came and food was eaten, more ibruprofen given, the night passed well and come Saturday morning we were clear to go home - so long as he ate breakfast! Given the experience of the day before I told Joe he HAD to eat breakfast, I didn't care what but he had to eat as we couldn't go home if he didn't.
Joe informed me he had no intention of going home, he would like to stay at the hospital and play ps2 actually. After being told that mummy was going home whether it was with him or not he decided perhaps eating breakfast would be a good idea after all!!!
We were discharged Saturday afternoon and the change in Joe has been amazing. He has had his follow-up and been discharged.
For the last 16 months we have had very little fun, Joe had been tired all the time, he couldn't breathe properly if he exercised, he couldn't cope with pre-school and it's been pretty miserable.
Now, Joe has cycled over a mile on his little bike with stabilisers to Granny's house, we have been out lots picking blackberries and geocaching, he no longer sounds like darth vadar and we can have FUN again!
Of course, he still has his stroppy 4 year old moments but I can live with those, because they are just moments and they show how much we have all missed out on over the last year when those moments lasted all day, every day.
Matthew is thrilled to have his brother back properly, without the boring constraints he had before, although he says he often has to check on Joe at night because (like the rest of us) he is so used to Joe breathing very noisily that he worries Joe has stopped breathing now that he can't hear him!!!
The doctors said that Joe's tonsils met in the middle and his adenoids blocked his nasal airway entirely. It's no wonder he struggled so much and brilliant to see the difference it has made to him.
Here's to Joe's first day at school on Wednesday and to a happy and healthy end to the year!
Thursday 1 September 2011
Sarah & Leo's Wedding
We were really pleased to be invited to the wedding of Sarah Traylor and Leo Saunders at Woolpit Church. Matthew and Joe dressed up in smart trousers and shirts and I even wore a dress! Debbie came too, with Henry, and Claire brought Sarah along.
In the evening just Matthew, Joe and me went off to Jokers in Stowmarket for the reception where they had fun running round the dancefloor with their friends from school!
Wednesday 24 August 2011
Time Team day at Needham Lake
With Gran Fran, Michelle and Louise visiting we decided to head to one of the brilliant Ranger afternoons at Needham Lake. They got to examine artifacts, make clay pots and mosiacs, and even disect (fake) poo! Lesley Dolphin was there from BBC Radio Suffolk and they stalked her for an autograph before Matthew managed to get a speaking part on the radio!
Sunday 7 August 2011
Snetterton
We spent the weekend camping with Andy, Grandad Dingles and Uncle Skott.
It was actually pretty good fun despite the odd annoyance from Andy and Skott!
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| Joe got a little carried away with his camera! |
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| The ear defenders were a hit |
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| Joe found himself a new friend to play with! |
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| Andy slept through several races! |
Friday 5 August 2011
Joe's mini-holiday
With Matthew away Joe gets to do some fun things too. Since Matthew went he has had a fun bubble-bath
Tomorrow we are going to Snetterton to meet Grandad Dingles and Uncle Skott and watch the racing, before camping for the night! Joe is very excited and insisted on getting the tent out ready before he would go to sleep tonight!
6 sleeps to go......
Matthew's gone off for his holiday with Andy's parents and we're counting down now til the big day. As the operation gets closer I do get more worried, trying to keep calm and I know it will be fine, but given that last time everything that could go wrong, did, this time I'm a little nervous!
Monday 1 August 2011
Holiday Toddler Group at Debbies's House
We went along to toddlers to see our bantam chicks that Debbie has hatched for us but stayed to play for a while too. Matthew's friend Ben was there and they decided that pink gloves and wig looked so much fun they had to take turns wearing them!
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| Ooh La La! |
Tractor Fun
There is a meadow opposite our house that Jeremy (a Music Teacher) was given by his uncle when most of Quaker Farm was sold off and he keeps it just for hay and to give him chance to pootle about on his many tractors! This year both boys but especially Matthew have become good friends with Jeremy and whenever he can he lets them drive the tractor. They helped with turning the hay and then making the bales. Matthew's already asked to help next year!
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